Obey My Blog

You’ve met her. THAT girl. The one who is always smiling. Real sweet-like. The one who tries to keep everything together. To make everyone happy.

Then one day this sweet, smiling girl flips the fuck out when someone asks to simply borrow a pen.

Yep.

Been there. Done that.

I’ve been that girl.

To a certain extent I still am.

Being the good girl SUCKS. You don’t say what you really want to say. You say yes when you want to say no. You smile when you actually feel like punching someone in the face (well, I have actually punched someone in the face. Not that I’m advocating punching people!). And you end up exhausted, angry and confused.

During the Zen meditation (zazen) class I took last fall, my teacher asked everyone in the room if they wanted to be a good person. Most people, of course, raised their hand. Who doesn’t want to be a good person?

ME.

I most definitely DO NOT want to be a good person.

I know where that road goes. Every time I’ve attempted to be the good girl, I’ve gotten myself into trouble.

So then, what is the point of being a good person?

When I was in graduate school I took a conflict resolution class. Because, well, at the time I wanted to be a diplomat and I thought, rightly, that conflict resolution might come in handy.

I thought to myself – I’ll learn how to foster peace between warring nations, I’ll learn how to listen with thoughtfulness and care and then help enemies put aside their differences. Palms will meet. Hands will shake. Doves will be released…

What I learned instead was that conflict resolution is not about making peace just for the sake of making peace. Or because it is the “good” or “right” thing to do. It can be a hard and sometimes dirty business. Granted, it can be extremely rewarding and done in the right way it actually CAN foster peace between enemies. My former professor, Dr. Marc Gopin is an inspiring example of this.

But this does not happen by prancing into a war zone and gleefully dismissing all the hate, anger and violence that has occurred and almost assuredly still exists. It’s only by acknowledging it – and honoring the wounds created on both sides – that healing and peace can begin (That is if, as a peacemaker, you can avoid ending up bitter and jaded by the whole heart-wrenching process.).

But that’s the aftermath. Identifying (and identifying with) certain things as good or bad is what gets people into conflicts in the first place.

It is the same with individuals.

If you consider yourself a “good” person, then that means other people must be “bad.” Not you. Never.

In an effort to prop yourself up as “good,” you will attempt to call out and crucify others who you believe contain the very “bad” qualities you deny in yourself. You will create enemies, point fingers, blame others and get mad. If along the way, other people join you, you can all call yourselves good and others bad – solidified in self-righteousness and in your total denial of ever doing anything bad or wrong.

I’m exaggerating a little bit here, but this is how wars start. This is how conflict begins.

As a martial artist, it is prudent to recognize and learn to accept all aspects of yourself. By doing so, you learn how to defend yourself. You learn your weaknesses and your strengths. You learn when it is appropriate to act and when not to.

In essence, you learn how to become a whole person – not a “good” person.

Because being good and bad are never separate. They are just two sides of the same coin. Trying to deny your “bad” side is like trying to chop yourself in half. I should know. I’ve tried (well, not literally of course).

Which is why there really is no point in being a “good” person.

In reality, there really isn’t such a thing. And in reality, when you accept and embrace what you think is bad in yourself – all those things you criticize yourself for on a daily basis – a surprising and unthinkable thing happens.

You begin to accept these things in others. You stop trying to project your crap onto others. You stop seeing people as others and you start seeing them as human beings.

Suddenly, being a “good” person is no longer important. Just being a person is.