Obey My Blog

I’m sitting. Half-lotus. Staring at the edge of my shadow in front of me on the wall. Millions of thoughts come at me and I can barely keep my bearings, let alone remember to follow my breath. I know the bell that marks the end of meditation is coming soon. I can sense it. I wait. And wait. Okay maybe not. Hmmmm… Now? Nope. Not coming. Okay…thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Oh yeah – my breath! Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts – and ohmygod breath! Pay attention! Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts…

DING!

AH! What the @#%?!

This is a typical evening sitting for me at the Zen Center. It’s just me and a wall (quick – staring contest!). It can’t get much simpler than that. And that’s kind of how I like it.

But in the past few months I’ve been trying to attend some of the Saturday morning sittings and events.

The larger ceremonies still elude me, however.

I stayed for the Bodhisattva Ceremony once. I’d been helping set up the meditation hall a few times, but never could bring myself to stay for the actual ceremony. It’s about renewing the Precepts – the Vows. I haven’t taken the Precepts. I’m not even officially Buddhist (which, by the way, you don’t have to be to practice). I don’t take ceremonies like this lightly though. At least I try not to. I am highly intimidated by formal ceremonies. And quite frankly, formal situations like this tend to make me laugh inappropriately.

In the Czech Republic one wintry evening many years ago, my friend Dan and I decided to stop in and take a peek at one of the local cathedrals. It was dark, silent and empty but for a handful of people. We sat towards the back so as not to disturb anyone and started looking around. All of a sudden I noticed a digital device up near the front that displayed numbers in bright red, like some weird alarm clock. I asked Dan what it was.

Me: Hey, what is that?

Dan: I don’t know.

Me: Maybe you take a number…

Dan: For confessions??

Me: Maybe it’s like the Returns department at Target.

Dan: *giggle*

Me: *teehee*

Dan: *muffled laugh*

Me: *muffled laugh*

Me: People are looking at us.

Dan: I know, but it’s so funny…

Me: I know!!!

Me and Dan: Bwaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww!

This is sort of why I tend to shy away from highly formalized ceremonies. Other people have no problem at all with this kind of stuff. And in a sense, my behavior could probably be viewed as rather immature. But, let me tell you, I am keenly aware of my social anxieties and do my best not to inflict them on others.

I also don’t want the focus of my practice to get lost in ceremonies. To an outsider, the meditation part can look quite dull (What? You mean, I just have to sit there?). The ceremonies, on the other hand, can look exotic and shiny. Chants, incense and prostrations…oh my!

But they’re meant to pay respect and acknowledge important and sacred events. They are not the meat of practice (Although, I’m sure someone out there could argue with me.).

Oh yeah, and when you see people bowing to the Buddha? They don’t really think that the Buddha is alive in that statue, saying, yes, yes, my children bow to me.

No.

Bowing to the Buddha is bowing to you and to me and to the Buddha. And to every other being, living or dead. It is a sign of respect. Not subservience.

If it were a sign of subservience, you can bet I would have excused myself from the world of Zen Buddhism months ago.

But anyway…

All of this was to say that one of the members of the Austin Zen Center was recently ordained as a priest after 18 years of study and practice. I didn’t attend his ordination ceremony (see above) but was impressed and humbled by his commitment. Even though he barely knows me and probably doesn’t even remember the fact that he taught one of the introductory zazen sessions I attended, (and the story he told about how when his Zen teacher asked his children how they’re father was different, they both said he was less angry. WOW.) I wish him all the best.