Obey My Blog

South By Southwest is here! Woohoo!

What does this have to do with Tai Chi?

Nothing!

Other than the fact that, since I am not attending on the company’s dollar this year, I can attend any panel I choose. And in order to create a better blog for you, my dear readers, I choose to attend A LOT of panels. On blogging! Yay!

On that note, if you have any feedback regarding this blog, please feel free to send me a message via my Contact Form. I welcome constructive criticism, as well as, nice thoughts.

Just try not to be mean, if you can. An irate man tailgated me halfway home from a morning sit at the Zen Center a few Saturdays ago. I laughed. Likewise, if you are mean, I may very well laugh at you, too.

So I’ll be getting my geek on starting this weekend, but NEXT weekend I am attending a workshop with Grand Master Chen Qing Zhou.

This guy is going to kick. my. ass. And I’m very much looking forward to it.

Chen Qing Zhou apparently began teaching within a year of learning Lao Jia Li Yu – the Old Form. The form that I am learning right now.

I have just learned the 34th form, Double Jump Kick (Ti Er Qi).

How am I EVER going to make it to the 75th? I think I’m going to have to wake up a lot earlier in the mornings…

I think back to when I first started learning Tai Chi and I shake my head. There is NO WAY I would have been able to teach back then! I don’t think I could teach now! Well, okay, I could probably, maybe teach some Silk Reeling, but there is so much more that I don’t know…

Over lunch this past weekend, I described to a friend of mine how I started off doing Tai Chi to help me deal with stress. Then I mentioned how I went to an (awesome) acupuncturist for a year, also because of stress. And then of course, I got into Zen. Also, in a way, to help me deal with stress (and for other reasons too, but it has definitely helped me deal with stress, that’s for sure).

Hmmm…so apparently – and this may have been obvious to everyone but me – I’ve been one stressed out chica!

(to my former roommates back in Virginia…I’m so, so sorry…)

And now for a riveting video from the Grand Master himself. Who makes these videos? I need to have a talk with them about music selection…

A few weeks ago I moved into a new place. It was stressful! I experience a lot of anxiety when moving, despite the fact that I’ve moved a lot in my adult life. Weird. But anyway, I was feeling stressed and wanted to partake of a frosty beverage and a cigarette (my sister talked me into it – it’s all her fault!).

I couldn’t even finish it. I got halfway through and had to put it out. I used to smoke all the time when I was younger and now I can’t even finish one lousy ‘ol ciggy. I’m not sure if this is because I am getting older or healthier. Hmmmm…

But it got me thinking about my breath. I spend a lot of time focusing on my breath these days. It’s what I focus on when doing Zazen and it helps guide me as I practice Tai Chi.

Just this morning, as I grew increasingly frustrated over a move I haven’t been able to get down, I remembered my breath. The whole room suddenly got quiet and I was able to do the move flawlessly. Okay, not really, but I did it without being frustrated. Which is a plus for me! I kind of got excited and jumped up in the air a little.

How is it that we pay so little attention to such an important thing? It’s not even a thing really – it just is. You breathe. Period. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

Then again, what’s the big deal? Is it really necessary to be aware of something that is just a natural part of life?

In Tai Chi we do breathing exercises where we stand with our palms facing our abdomens and exaggerate pushing and pulling our hands with the movement of our bellies (It’s a bit unnerving to look over and see my belly fully extended, but I don’t get any points for looks in class. So there.). This is meant to strengthen and cultivate awareness in the abdomen or dantian.

But it’s also meant to cultivate an awareness of the breath.

If you think about it, breath is pure action, without thought (wait, then maybe you shouldn’t think about it). When you breathe, you are automatically connecting the mind and body.

Sometimes, as Jan Diepersloot points out in Warriors of Stillness, students are told not to worry about the breath. They are told simply to focus on the movements and the breath will follow. But many students – myself included – find it useful to use the breath as a way to integrate the body and mind and the upper and lower torso. What one can discover later, Diepersloot explains, is that it is possible to just use “yi, awareness or intention, directly to achieve integration.”  This method, colorfully coined as, “suck and tuck,” amounts to “tucking the pelvis under, forward and up and sucking the abdomen in.”

Many beginning students are so stiff and frozen, though, that attempting to use yi, or awareness, can simply result in more tension. Thus, Diepersloot finds it more beneficial to emphasize the conscious use of the breath before introducing the more direct method.

Personally, I’m still not quite ready for such a direct approach. And honestly, I kind of enjoy focusing on my breath (is that weird?). But the more natural my breathing becomes in my practice, the more relaxed I become.  And the more relaxed I become, the easier it is for me to just be aware.

But I still have a long way to go…

I am no longer a newbie. Okay, technically I still am. But I have been practicing long enough now that I can no longer really cling to my, “Well, I’m just a newbie” excuse. If I’m really going to get serious (me, serious?) about Tai Chi, then I’m going to have to be a lot more disciplined in my practice.

At the moment, I do standing meditation in the mornings and some Silk Reeling exercises. All in all, about 20 minutes – closer to 30 minutes when I’m actually enrolled in a class. Which is good for just starting out, but now? Not sure that’s going to cut it. Damn. This means I’m going to have wake up earlier (I’m not very good at that, despite the fact that I love mornings).

I’ve talked about how being a newbie can be nerve-wracking, but what about that place in the middle? Where you’re not quite a newbie anymore, but you’re definitely not an expert either? This place kind of sucks too. Only here, you don’t have that bright-eyed wonder and oh-my-god-i’m-amazed-by-everything kind of feeling. You know (most) of the moves and you also know you suck (well, I know I suck – I shouldn’t speak for anyone else).

It’s the end of the romance. The mystery is gone (or so you think) and reality smacks you in the face like a big, wet Italian noodle. No longer can you sit back and expect the teacher to just fill your head with new stuff. You have to make an effort. Not that you didn’t make an effort to practice before, but now it’s more obvious than ever when you don’t. You have to commit to doing it or face drowning in excuse after excuse.

I have to say that writing this blog has helped me do this. It has helped me remain motivated and disciplined. It is a very public way of holding myself accountable. Patrick Reynolds does this with his Peak Condition Project. And for good reason. It’s a lot harder to back out of something or slack off when you’ve made such a public commitment.

Why such a hard line focus on accountability and commitment? Because I’m a badass! Okay, not really. Actually, I just think it makes me a better person. And I also really, really want to know Tai Chi. Not just a few moves to show people at parties (I’m kidding – no one *ever* asks me about Tai Chi at parties. Unless I bring it up. Which I try to avoid since most people’s eyes tend to glaze over…). I have never been a very athletic person and most of my challenges have been intellectual, so a part of this is challenging myself on a completely different level. But Tai Chi also makes me feel better – physically and mentally. I am a much more pleasant person to be around when I do Tai Chi.

I think.

And I may never be as good as this chic (I think she has been practicing since she was a zygote), but I still love it…

I skipped Baguazhang class this week, so I won’t be writing about that obviously… But my last Tai Chi Silk Reeling class was this week and I did make it to that.

I’ve been uncharacteristically serious in Tai Chi lately. Perhaps because it’s becoming more familiar and I feel less and less like an idiot. Or perhaps I’m just really getting into it. Maybe both. My seriousness does not keep me from having a good time though. I really do enjoy it and I smiled through most of the movements on Tuesday. I tried not to – I really did. I was really trying to avoid grinning like some silly actress in a toothpaste commercial, but I couldn’t help it. Ah well.

One thing that did throw me off though was the woman next to me. It was like being in choir all over again. When I (briefly) sang in a choir here in Austin, I would occasionally hear the person next to me sing off key and it would instantly distract me and throw me off key as well. It was really annoying. This woman, bless her, kept speeding through the movements, faster and faster. I was trying very hard not to notice. I focused. Really hard. I had all kinds of critical thoughts go through my head, such as, why doesn’t she get it? Isn’t she listening to the teacher? Why isn’t she following the teacher? Why doesn’t she just slow the heck down? Can’t she see that she is not even connecting to the movements? Why is she in this class? Why am I in this class? Maybe I could teach this class. Heck yeah! I would be awesome at teaching this class. I would be -

I had to cut myself off at some point. It was getting ridiculous. Because what’s the point of being critical of someone else? Seriously? Why does anyone have to be perfect? And anyway, everyone is learning at their own pace. Over the past year and half of taking Tai Chi, I have chatted with many different people about why they take it. Everyone has their own reasons. I’ve come to the realization that for some people, just being able to do the movements is an accomplishment. Talk about humbling.

I’m including a video below of the Silk Reeling exercises that we learned. We didn’t do all of the ones in this video, but we learned most of them. If you’re not into Tai Chi, then I’m just going to be upfront and say that you will probably find this really boring. Excruciatingly boring. But for the Tai Chi folks, this is a nice overview of Silk Reeling. I love Tai Chi videos. They always have the teacher in some far away land, in a bamboo forest (is it just me or is bamboo kind of creepy?) or some misty mountain valley. It’s so unlike what practicing Tai Chi is really like, but I guess it feeds the dream. Which by the way, we got a new dojo! Not sure how I feel about it. I kind of miss the old one. But I do love the wood floors. It’s really fun sliding across in your socks.

My Silk Reeling Tai Chi class has been fabulous. But everyone’s so serious. Hey people! Just because we are doing slow, boring movements does not mean we have to be slow and boring.

I started thinking about this during class this week. I know. I shouldn’t be thinking. I should be in some perfect state of mental balance where all my thoughts float by while I remain in a state of mental clarity and lucidity. Yeah right. So I was thinking about this and wondering why everyone was so serious. And why I was so serious and weirded out by everyone else’s seriousness. So much so that I felt stiff and awkward. I stared at the teacher throughout each movement, trying to mirror her exactly, but I kept tripping up. And that’s when it dawned on me. Duh! I need to make these movements my own.

It’s kind of like singing. Now, I am not a professional singer by any stretch of the imagination (though I’ve had a voice lesson or two in my day!) but if I’m ever singing along to a song in my car, the shower or wherever, I notice that when I try to match the singer exactly, my voice sounds kind of weird, a little out of tune and not really that good. But if I actually sing the song as if it were my own it actually sounds halfway decent. Not so much that I’d be willing to record it (dear god no!), but it actually has a resonance and depth that just mindlessly singing along does not.

With that in mind, I stopped looking at the teacher, stopped worrying about blocking the people behind me who were trying to follow their steps in the mirror and focused on feeling each movement without looking. It was quite a different feeling. A little shaky at first, but ultimately I trusted it more because I was experiencing it first hand. I liked that.

A lot of the time I live purely in my head. I usually have a lot of stuff going on in there. Much of it simply ridiculous pontifications and fantasies. So experiencing something like Tai Chi physically and not just mentally or intellectually is very important to me. Because I don’t truly “get” something until I’ve embodied it. Meaning, it has to become a part of my experience – not just a thought or belief in my head. And also, for selfish, vain reasons. Growing up, I never saw myself as a very physical person. I hated sports. I hated P.E. (well, who didn’t…). What I loved was to get lost in books. So I trained my brain meat, but didn’t pay much attention to the rest of my meat (did I just refer to myself as meat??). That is, until I found myself completely stressed out by these very thoughts that I believed I had under control. Ah, I would laugh if only it weren’t so painfully true…

Anyway… All I’m sayin’ is – mind your meat!

I had a dream last night and this is how it went:

I’m running. I look over and Cate Blanchett, the actress, is running next to me. We’re running from a giant lizard-like serpent thingy that’s chasing after us and wants to eat us. We run into a locker room, desperate for a place to hide. We look around but there are only two options – the bathroom or a small crevice between the end of the lockers and the wall. We both look at each other and head for the crevice. It’s the most obvious place and we know we won’t be completely hidden, but there isn’t any other place to go. We grab hold of each other and wedge ourselves into the crevice and wait for the inevitable. Cate starts to sing (the only logical thing to do when you’re about to get eaten). Her voice is beautiful, but does little to distract me from the giant lizard serpent making it’s way through the locker room towards us. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait. I feel the ground tremble. I sense it’s presence mere feet away and I hold my breath, anticipating the moment I’ll feel teeth. And then…nothing. There is silence. Curious, I cautiously open my eyes and look over. Instead of a hideous monster hovering over us there is only a chubby, half-naked Japanese lady with her head tilted to one side, staring at us, obviously taken with Cate’s voice. We  hesitate for a second, not really comprehending, but then make a mad dash for the door. We leave the stunned, half-naked Japanese lady standing there.

The moral of the story?

That our fears may sometimes seem to us like enormous lizard-like serpent thingies chasing us down, but when truly revealed, they are really nothing but chubby, half-naked Japanese ladies.

Ha!

Tonight was another awesome Silk Reeling class. I’m so incredibly glad I decided to give this teacher another chance. It really has been wonderful so far and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. I had every intention of signing up for the Tai Chi class following this, but then I started doing some research on Baguazhang. Which was also in my dream last night oddly enough. The word kept repeating in my head over and over. When I woke up, there it was again – Baguazhang! Ugh, I could not get rid of that word for the life of me (it is kind of a funny word). But anyway, I didn’t give it much thought after that, until I walked up to my Silk Reeling class this evening and saw a flyer posted for – Baguazhang! Un-freakin-believable. So, I think I’m going to sign up for it. I don’t want to jump around too much and be a flaky martial artist, but I am so intrigued by Baguazhang (!) that I may have to explore this.

And now…a clip from the best worst martial arts movie e-v-e-r… The Black Mask.

Had my first Silk Reeling class today and it didn’t suck! Woohoo! Oh Tai Chi how I’ve missed you…how I’ve longed to gently cup my hands in the air (like I just don’t care!) and feel the wind beneath my…hair! Or neck or something…

I walked into class sheepishly. About 6 or 8 or 10 something months ago I took a Tai Chi class from this same teacher, got ridiculously angry and dropped the class. God, I can be a stubborn ass sometimes… I never expressed how I felt in that class because I knew I was going though my own stuff and didn’t want to ruin the class for everyone else. Which is why I ducked out. But still – I was hoping she didn’t recognize me. I was relieved when she introduced herself and asked me my name. Whew! Awkward, embarrassing moment be gone!

And now…time for rest. And a clip from Kentucky Fried Movie.

Qigong just feels good. Yes, I’m doing it to help me deal with stress, to help me overcome my fears, be healthier and even happier, but when it comes down to it, I just like the way I feel when I leave class (well, even when I’m in class too). I feel lighter, less burdened and any remnants of sadness or anger peel away in slow gentle layers. Not that I’m drunk on chi or anything. It’s actually quite the opposite. I feel extremely rooted and grounded, but I also feel my heart and my head are like feathers. If I am angry or am simply in a dark mood, my chest feels like it’s full of water. It’s an awful feeling. But since I’ve been doing Tai Chi and Qigong, this feeling has mostly evaporated (ok, you knew I wasn’t done with the water analogy, right? hmmmm…makes me thirsty…).

Speaking of Tai Chi…there is a Silk Reeling class being offered this summer and I’m thinking I might go ahead and take it. From what I understand, my regular Qigong class will end in May and won’t begin again until the fall. Damn, that sucks…but I could definitely get into Tai Chi again. I miss it. Why the Silk Reeling though and not just jump into it? Because I really like Silk Reeling exercises! And I tried doing Tai Chi without warming up with Silk Reeling exercises last time and I was all out of whack.

This weekend my sister and I will be watching Ong Bak. Can you believe I haven’t seen this yet? I’m really looking forward to it. By the way, if you haven’t seen Chocolate yet I highly recommend it.