I kind of had a mini-nervous breakdown a few days ago. Which is weird cause it was a Sunday. Sundays are supposed to be my down days. The one day out of the week that I reserve to do whatever I want. Which usually means saying no to social events, staying in and reading for hours on end and then taking care of household chores and laundry. But on this particular Sunday I became completely overwhelmed. Thoughts kept creeping up on me one by one, stacking themselves higher and higher in my head until I just couldn’t hold them any longer. I came home from the grocery store and for no reason at all burst into tears the moment I walked into the kitchen.
After I had calmed down a little, I looked over and noticed a Zen book that was lying on the counter next to me. I picked it up, read a few words and immediately felt a wave of peace wash over me. A white butterfly flew by the window and I contemplated the ephemeral nature of our emotions, our lives, our dreams…
Just kidding.
But I did ask myself what the hell just happened. What was that?? Why am I so completely stressed out? And then it hit me – all of these “should” thoughts I’ve been thinking. I should sleep more. I should eat better. I should cook more often. I should read more. I should write more. I should write better. I should do more to improve my skills at work. I should save more money. I should travel more. I should practice Tai Chi more. I should meditate more. I should…I should…I should… It’s exhausting! And it’s never enough.
In light of this, I’ve decided I need to chill out a bit. No more torturing myself because I’m not doing enough. No more running myself into the ground because of just one more thing I feel I have to do. How did I get on this self-improvement roller coaster anyway? I didn’t even realize it was happening. When I started the year, I made resolutions based on becoming healthier in all aspects of my life, but I never intended them to take over my head and completely turn on me. The idea was to help myself become healthier, not make myself feel bad for not meeting ridiculous expectations.
This whole idea of self-improvement and perfection has come up a lot for me in all of my martial arts classes – in Tai Chi, Qigong and Baguazhang. It’s even come up for me while doing zazen (but that’s another story). I know full well that the idea of perfection is completely unrealistic and that self-improvement is pretty much a myth invented by publishers to promote their latest self-help books (I should know – I bought them all when I was in my twenties!). I know all of this and yet I fall for it every time.
Every time I approach something new and unfamiliar, I want to perfect it. I want to get it right. It’s almost as if I think being perfect will keep me safe or keep me from making mistakes or making a fool of myself. Yeah right! But since I really prefer not breaking down in my kitchen, I think it’s time to start letting this go and just enjoy learning. Isn’t that why I go to class every week? And why I practice at home every day?
In Qigong class, I was again kind of out of it. I had been accumulating a whole heap of thoughts and emotions that were running amok in my head and that I could not let go of. The beginning of class felt normal and I was starting to think that perhaps I was finding solid ground again. But then on break, I noticed a woman tapping the top of her head, then her wrists, and then her temples, all while looking intently in front of her. My classmate inquired about what she was doing. It’s called EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques®. The idea is that, if you have a problem or emotional reaction that is particularly strong, you can tap the meridian points on your body while concentrating on an affirmation. It’s similar to acupuncture, only without the needles. I don’t like to knock anyone for trying to make themselves healthier, but I was not impressed. I was even more disheartened when the woman started talking about her website and how she did EFT for a living and could teach my classmate. How nice of her!
Now, I love acupuncture and I would never have believed it was legitimate if I hadn’t tried it myself. But I also know that belief is a powerful tool to making yourself feel better. If you believe it is going to work, it probably will! I also accept the fact that acupuncture is successful for me, because I believe in it. If I didn’t believe in it, I’d probably write it off as just another hokie new age practice. Acupuncture to me, works much like a mirror – it allows me the opportunity to slow down, reflect and chill the frick out, but it is not what makes me feel better. That is up to me. My acupuncturist is not a magician, nor does she hold the secrets of the universe, nor can she cure the impossible. That is only up to the individual, in my humble opinion…
So this is why the tapping woman kind of irritated me. I don’t want to sound mean or close-minded, but honestly, it just sounded like b.s. and I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. Not to mention it reminded me of a conversation I had had many months ago with someone I cared about immensely, but who ultimately didn’t really care a whole lot about me. That triggered a whole other chain reaction of thoughts and emotions. When class finally resumed I wanted to run from the dojo as fast as possible. I wanted to bolt. But I stayed and concentrated on the movements with more seriousness than I’d ever mustered before. Anything, I thought, to keep me from bursting into tears right here in the middle of class. The new agers would be all over me then, asking me about my feelings, and then I’d really be screwed.
When class was finally over I went home, but no longer felt like bursting into tears or dwelling on my sad thoughts. I felt good actually and that made me think, that despite all the b.s. surrounding the practice of Qigong, there is something to it that works for me. There is something there worth pursuing and wading through the silliness and all the drama that it attracts. I’ll keep at it until class ends in a few weeks and hopefully take this with me as I get back into Tai Chi.
No, no, no. No more talk of unconditional love. No more pontificating on the meaning of life. No more talking. I just want to do Qigong. In class this past week I felt disconnected and aloof. Not like me at all (well, in class anyway). A couple of students started chatting about how it’s possible to pick up negative energy from someone else and carry it with you. Our teacher started talking about all the exotic places he would be visiting this summer. At the end of class, everyone gathered around him to hear his words on why cultivating unconditional love and happiness are important to your health and the quality of your life. All of this seemed to run together and turn into something like a pop song I’ve heard on the radio a thousand times. I like the song, but I’ve heard it so many times that it’s starting to lose its original meaning for me. I really wanted to go back to the time before when it was fresh, new and made me want to sing along.
I didn’t really feel like singing along this time and a part of me kind of felt guilty for that. At the same time, I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling just a bit disillusioned with my practice. Well, actually it’s not my practice really. On that I am clear. I love practicing Qigong and I love practicing Tai Chi. It’s when philosophical underpinnings get tacked onto my practice that I start squirming.
On the other hand, I think these philosophical underpinnings are very important. I absolutely agree with my teacher that cultivating unconditional love and happiness are important to creating health and improving your quality of life. I think more people should consider this. Especially the employees of the Ruzyne International Airport in Prague (if you’ve never experienced customer service in a former Communist country, I highly recommend it.). However, in the context of this class, it feels strange to me. Even though that’s what initially attracted me to the class. Absurd!
I guess it goes back to my resistance to teachers in general. I have believed in philosophies and people who I discovered later on were completely full of crap. Needless to say, it’s a very disillusioning experience to find that everything you believed in wholeheartedly and passionately was in reality a complete fabrication. It’s made me just a wee bit gun-shy (is that the word I’m looking for? I don’t know.).
I have no solution here by the way. I’ll just keep on practicing. Because I love it. And I’ll keep on questioning my teacher, while (hopefully) remaining humble and open to learning. It’s a weird compromise, but the only one that satisfies me at the moment.
I recently got another acupuncture treatment to celebrate my birthday. Perhaps getting poked with tiny needles is not everyone’s ideal birthday gift, but it sure is mine! I love acupuncture and I tell all my friends about how wonderful it is. All the time. It’s kind of a running joke now. If any of my friends or family start complaining about an ache or a pain I’ll get all serious and tell them, well, I think I know what would help…and they say, yes? And I reply, acupuncture! Then they roll their eyes, laugh or try to punch me. Not really, but it would be funny.
This acupuncture treatment was a little different than the rest, in that, it didn’t affect me as much as it usually does. I go to acupuncture treatments to relieve stress. I have a tendency to get completely wound up, so acupuncture helps me to relax. I mean really relax. It’s awesome. Usually after acupuncture, nothing bothers me. Somebody could come up to me with a knife and I’d probably try to shake his hand. Or talk to him about acupuncture. But this time around, I didn’t get that feeling of extreme relaxation. I took this as a good sign. Since I’ve been practicing my Qigong more (in part due to the comments on this blog – thank you!), I feel pretty relaxed most of the time. It’s really weird. I don’t feel quite so overwhelmed and I’m able to get through stressful moments with more humor and grace. It’s kind of nice!
I will never be free of stress. That’s just a given. But it’s nice to know that I can deal with it now instead of getting totally wrapped up in it all the time. I expect I will get overwhelmed in the future. I will get stressed out of course. And if that happens I will definitely go back and get another acupuncture treatment. And practice my Qigong, which, I know I will probably slack on at some point. But that’s okay. As long as I keep practicing. I love it too much to completely give it up.
Perhaps I should start practicing with David Carradine? Or get one of these outfits…
There is something I’ve noticed about practices, philosophies and religions that attract the new agey. Not that I’m down on new age hippies. My god, my parents were all out hippies. My mom very much resembled a young Cher in her twenties and my father looked suspiciously like Peter Fonda, picking my sister and I up from elementary school on his Harley. It’s just that some new agers have no boundaries. There. I said it. Just because I am trying to cultivate unconditional love in my daily life does not mean you can hug me, or put your hand on me or anything else for that matter.
How does this happen? Why do some people equate open-heartedness with a complete breakdown of healthy boundaries?
One reason this really bothers me, is that when I practice Qigong, I feel much like a child. That includes all the silliness, playfulness and vulnerability I had as a child. I feel safe in my class being playful and vulnerable. No one seems to mind and it seems to actually bring a sense of lightheartedness and fun to our weekly Qigong practice. My teacher also doesn’t seem to mind when I crack jokes about chocolate being the ideal of happiness or when I completely exaggerate a form out of humor and frustration because I realize I’ve been doing it all wrong. But because of this, I am extremely sensitive to my sense of space and physical boundaries. I don’t want anyone violating those. I don’t care how unconditionally loving you are. Now perhaps my boundaries are a lot more rigid than others, but still…
I’m all full of giddiness and excitement for the new year. I’ve made all kinds of resolutions – something I never do. One of my resolutions is to improve my health. Okay, simple enough, but it’s starting to dawn on me what this really entails. Today, I bought Superfood and Cod Liver Oil. Dear God, I am turning into my parents… But I’m hoping that taking these on a daily basis will help balance my energy (I have a tendency to burn bright and then peeter out). And who knows, it might just help me with my Qigong practice.
Beloved Bread
As part of this healthy lifestyle, I have to eliminate sugar. Okay, I don’t drink sodas very often, so that’s a huge chunk right there already taken care of. Alcohol will be a bit more difficult, but maybe I can just start limiting my alcohol consumption to the weekends. But bread. I love bread. I don’t have to eliminate bread completely, but the best kind of bread is really the worst for you. Damnit. Okay, maybe I’ll gradually reduce my bad bread consumption. Or maybe it will be my one vice. Oh wait, I already have one of those and it’s called the social smoke. Hmmm, moderation is key right? I mean, I can keep a few vices as long as I don’t overdo it? Right? Right?
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