Slow down (you know you want to)
I hear a lot of talk about how it’s okay for Tai Chi to be slow, but not too slow. If you’re going too slow, then apparently you’re not doing it right and blah, blah, blah.
I have a bone to pick with this concept. Because over the past couple of weeks, I have become painfully aware of the fact that I really need to slow down.
Since my Tai Chi class started I’ve experienced impatience, frustration and tension. All signs that I’m lost in my thoughts and trying to rush something that shouldn’t be rushed. And I’m only two weeks in!
I have zazen partially to blame for this…I mean uh, thank. I am now more aware of how absolutely messy my head is than ever (I literally daydream all the time. All the time!! I’m not kidding, it’s absurd.).
This has become blatantly clear to me, since lately, the bell that ends meditation scares the living bejesus out of me. Now every time I sit I psych myself out thinking about it. I think – this time, I’ll be ready for you, you bell. You won’t get me this time! And then of course, the bell is struck and I am startled. Stupid bell!
I asked a recent guest speaker at the Zen Center about this. She laughed and said, yes, you are lost in your thoughts. She empathized with my embarrassment, which was reassuring, but then she just stopped talking and gave me the strangest look.
I can’t adequately explain that look. It kind of made me want to tear off my skin and run out of the room screaming. Okay, it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but close! It was one of the kindest and most unconditional looks I’ve ever received. And it was absolutely terrifying (yes, terrifying).
But after meeting her (and recovering from meeting her) I realized that the key to her kind and terrifying gaze was her immense sense of being grounded and fully present.
You don’t get this way by hurrying through life or by sheer force of will. It comes from slowing down and paying attention.
There is a time in one’s practice when Tai Chi can become faster and is actually more appropriate, obviously. But being that I’m still learning (or re-learning rather) I don’t want to just swing my arms around like an idiot without paying attention to what I’m doing…
I want to swing my arms around like an idiot with complete attention!
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October 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
“I literally daydream all the time. All the time!! I’m not kidding, it’s absurd.”
Heh, you’re catching on. Of course, the fact that you noticed this also means that you’re beginning to pay attention. Good news/bad news, always and in everything.
“…the key to her kind and terrifying gaze was her immense sense of being grounded and fully present.”
Being grounded and fully present are qualities that can be cultivated, by degrees — grown like a plant, over time. You’ve selected ideal practices for this, assuming you continue on. It does behoove us to slow down. In a strange sort of way, “timelessness” takes time.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Hey Robin,
Great post.
When I first started learning tai chi, I would take the train into New York from Jersey and walk quite a ways to the studio, and be kind of hopped up and consequently be admonished to slow down.
When I was first introduced to the “fast form,” I was blown away, and had to learn the difference between just flailing around quickly and smoothly transitioning from move to move.
I find that when I had my tai chi studio, there were many times when I did the form excruciatingly slow because it felt good, and I was becoming aware of all the little intricacies inside my body and in the form. I feel like doing it very slowly when I’m outside in the bright, warm sun too. But, when I do it that slow, I am very rooted, very deep in my stance, so it can be very physically demanding.
I also find for myself, and many of the students I’ve had, that if you blow through the movements, it becomes very empty, and you’re not giving the”chi” a chance to catch up with you; in other words, your dan tien is all set to throw up some chi to your hands but you’ve already blown through it and gone on to the next move.
So, thanks for the thought provoking post. Keep practicing.
Mike
October 7th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I used to get anxious during standing meditation when I focused too much on counting breaths. Now I don’t count at all, but use the simple Relaxation Response and things have been good.
Like you, I’ve come to realize that my mind is not as quiet as I think it is. I don’t use a bell, but I glance at my watch from time to time
October 7th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hi Walt!
Funny you should mention time…I just got Dainin Katagiri’s book “Each Moment Is the Universe” which is all about time. Along with a copy of “Warriors of Stillness” which I cannot wait to read!!!
Good news/bad news indeed. Zen has been incredibly hard lately and yet my life seems to be expanding (if that makes sense). Attention can be a very scary thing and yet so incredibly important. Strange…
October 7th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Hi Mike! Thank *you* for your thought provoking comment.
You’re right – going through the forms slowly is very demanding physically. I’m still often surprised at how quickly my body temperature rises when I’m just practicing. This used to freak me out when I was doing Qigong too. Because, I thought, geesh, this is Qigong – the slowest martial art ever – and yet I am almost breaking a sweat!
I tend to get a little overexcited – or frustrated – and this can lead me to trying to rush through the movements. But it always comes back to bite me and I have to remind myself to just take a deep breath and do it again – slowly.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Hi Wujimon! I tried counting breaths too (I would count to 10 and then start over), but I’ve found simply focusing on my breath is sufficient. Actually, it doesn’t seem to matter what I do – I always end up lost in my thoughts. So I just try to remember my breath, return to the wall in front of me and try to notice when I drift off (which is like every 5 seconds…:)).
I’m curious about the posture in the Relaxation Response technique. I’ve been taught that keeping the spine naturally straight is essential to maintaining awareness. Does Benson emphasize any particular posture or is the emphasis more on maintaining a relaxed position? Just curious…
October 14th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Greetings, Robin. It’s amazing how our mind wanders once we notice the drifting. I thought I was pretty good and shocked at my own drifting too!
The Relaxation Response just says to keep a comfortable posture; no more, no less. Regarding the spine thing, in zhan zhuang (sitting or standing) the goal is to keep the spine straight. However, I have noticed that when I just sit comfortably, my mind wanders a lot more since it doesn’t have to focus on maintaining my posture. Something to think about
December 18th, 2009 at 12:40 am
[...] also confess my irrational fear of the bell at the end of meditation and how embarrassed I am by [...]