Four Eyes
“Keep going.”
Out of exasperation I have dropped my arms and stopped in mid stance. I am frustrated beyond belief. My arms have been completely uncooperative throughout the entire class and I feel like I am doing everything backwards. I don’t know which way is up and I’m about as lost as Sarah Palin in a Katie Couric interview.
But my teacher will have none of that.
“Keep going.”
I’m a little shocked when she says this. I don’t know why. In some weird way I am expecting a much crueler reaction. I have just done something unexpected. I have fallen out of line with the rest of the class and am just standing there. There should be hell to pay. There should be blood. There should be bone crushing. I should be taken out into the street and forced to talk to people about Greenpeace. Something. Anything.
But no.
“Keep going.”
So I do. But after class, I bolt to the other side of the dojo to put my shoes on and leave before anyone can see me break down into a panic attack.
I know. It’s just Tai Chi. What the hell is my problem?
But it’s not just Tai Chi.
It is fear.
Deep, dark, smelly fear.
I’m in class. I’m 13 years old. My seventh grade teacher has just called me Four Eyes in front of all of my classmates. I have no authority and no idea what to say. I look down and start fumbling with the edge of my desk. It is made up of some kind of cheap plastic, but is painted to look like real wood. I peel back the corner to see what’s underneath – particle board.
So it’s kind of wood.
My teacher fumbles through her next sentence, realizing what she’s just said. To a 13 year old. We start a new discussion but I keep my head down, picking at my particle board desk.
“Keep going.”
Those are two words I am not used to hearing and I am afraid. I am afraid to keep going, because I am afraid of messing up, of not doing it right, of being humiliated, of being called Four Eyes.
Weird.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not 13 anymore. That it’s okay to mess up. That it’s okay to throw my arms up (or down, in this case) in exasperation. That this is NORMAL.
But fear is a funny thing. Fear is an insecure seventh grade teacher, who, longing to be idolized by the popular students, takes cheap shots at the less popular ones. Fear is a grown woman, thinking she is still 13, running from a dojo on the verge of a panic attack.
Where does it end?
“Keep going.”
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November 19th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Yeah but see I think chicks in glasses are ultra-hotness.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:38 am
E-motives…keep going.
I wondered: would a crueler reaction helped or hindered?
November 20th, 2009 at 1:59 am
It’s amazing how powerfully negative experiences can stick with us. I still remember in sixth grade being called up to the front of the class and made to empty my backpack one item at a time while getting scolded. I don’t recall why it happened, but the experience is still fresh.
It’s up to us to use these memories to remind us how far we’ve come and how much we’ve been able to accomplish. Keep at it!
November 20th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Ben – yeah, guys think that now, but not when I was in school!
November 20th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Mr. Smith – good question!
Hmmm… A cruel reaction would have definitely hindered, not helped. I don’t think a cruel reaction is ever helpful…and yet, that’s what I kind of expected. Not rationally – I mean, I didn’t really expect my teacher to go off on me or anything, but that fear was there. That fear is always kind of there…which is rooted in memories like this one.
By writing about them, acknowledging them, they seem to lose their power. And now that I’m older too I can see both sides – the reasons behind people’s actions and the fear I felt as a kid. And by doing that I can choose to react out of awareness rather than out of an old fear. Which is a lot less painful.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Hi Matt!
What is it with some teachers??
Thank you for the encouragement.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:45 am
Dude, I’ve thought that since I was probably 5 years old. Thanks Diana Prince / Wonder Woman.
November 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Wow. What an amazing story. I’ve seen tai chi do this to others, when I was learning in New York, bring up these emotions. I wonder what it is about tai chi that does this, or if it’s not tai chi at all but just the situatio, being in public, etc. I also remember when I was planning my tai chi studio, my dream was for it to be on the ground floor, with big windows so passersby could stop and watch the class doing tai chi. But several female friends said it would be the worst thing, to be on display like that. Do you notice a lot of gyms put the exercise equipment right up to the window for you to see?
Confession #1: When I first started blogging and looking for tai chi friends, I thought you were very hot! And a hot chick who does tai chi and zazen? a dream come true. Living in Jersey? Of course not. Texas.
Confession #2: I pissed my pants in third grade in front of everyone, including the teacher who I had a major crush on. Thank God I’m not having similar visceral reactions otherwise I’d be peeing myself everytime I did tai chi!
Mike
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hi Mike – I have to agree with your female friends about being on display while doing Tai Chi. Part of doing Tai Chi, at least for me, is learning how to own my own body and feel confident and comfortable in my own skin. When you have men gawking at you through a window (or anywhere really) it makes you feel less than human – like a piece of meat. Tai Chi is my sanctuary. I would be devastated if it were turned into an exhibition.
And…okay Mike, you’ve been my blogging buddy for a while now, so I have to ask – what if I were an ugly chick who practiced Tai Chi and zazen? Would it really matter?
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
No, it wouldn’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. I’m glad to be your blogging buddy and if you know any ugly chicks out there practicing tai chi and zazen, let me know.
(p.s. if I’m crossing a blogging or friendship line here with the above comment lemme know.
Mike
November 24th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I’ve been thinking about the first part of your comment Mike – about how Tai Chi can bring up emotions. I’d like to talk about that – I think I might try and turn it into a post. Hopefully it won’t suck.
November 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
[...] we all have to express ourselves.—James DeanKeep on expressing yourself like a martial artist. It won’t always be easy. Eventually though, you’re going to have bad*ss body language before you leave behind your [...]
November 27th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
One of the practices I learned at the Taoist Arts Center in NY many years ago was dissolving meditation. Based on the concept that body mind and spirit are intimately connected, we would sit in silence and scan the body internally, looking or sensing for anything that was tight or didn’t feel right(very important to do this from top of head down, and not jump around; if you lose focus, start at the top of again). Once you find something, dissolve it by goping from ice to water to steam. Remember whatever is there may have taken years to build up so it may not dissolve in one sitting. The most excellent part of this is that you don’t have to know what you are dissolving, Once it dissolves, you find the physical tightness is gone and maybe a related emotional tightness or issue goes with it.
As for the tai chi aspect of it, I’m still a bit unsure. There have been cases recorded in literature of tai chi or chi kung psychosis caused by overdoing it or not doing it right. I’ve seen people not follow the above direction about scanning downward and almost have an emotional breakdown because all the energy is going to the head. The energy should always be carried in the dan tien. Also, to think about, is whether tai chi can have a positive effect on persons with emotional issues or even psychosis, or diagnosed depression. I know one of my students who has done very well from the tai chi and was able to get off depression meds, but that is an individual case.
Philosophically, tai chi should be able to balance the mind. What do you think?
December 1st, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Thanks Mike! I started an article on this but it needs to cook a little longer in my head.
The dissolving meditation you describe is similar to something I did recently in a zazen class, where we scanned the body, looking for tension – or any kind of feeling, really.
The idea in Zen though, is that the mind and body are never separate. That they can’t be intimately linked because they are simply two sides of the same sheet of paper, if you will. Which, having grown up believing they are separate, kind of boggles my mind sometimes. But also puts a whole new perspective on things (esp. since most of us have a tendency to place more importance on the mind – if the mind is the body and the body is the mind, then where does that leave us? eek!).
I will say that Tai Chi has definitely had a positive effect on me, as well as, Zazen. But – I have to be careful, because it can bring up a lot of stuff. Which is why I try not to rush things or try to take on too much…