Obey My Blog

My Qigong teacher liked to emphasize paying attention to subtle queues. For example, if you find yourself just a little bit thirsty, go get a drink of water. Don’t wait until you are parched. If you are feeling just a little bit stressed, take a break. Don’t wait until you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Waiting until the last minute can cause harm to the body.

I understand this completely. It makes perfect sense. But I personally tend to push myself and go to extremes. When I work, I WORK and then some (okay, aside from my occasional bouts of laziness). When I relax – or try to – I relax in relatively small, extremely focused amounts of time. If I feel something – happiness, sadness, insecurity – I have a tendency to take it to the absolute extreme until I’m utterly exhausted.

I don’t know how I developed these habits, but it is why I am now practicing Tai Chi and Zen meditation (zazen).

These extremes scare me a little. So much so that in the past I’ve preferred to retreat into numbness rather than endure another erratic train ride on the emotional choochoo.

But over the past couple of years, I’ve started to wonder if it’s really necessary for me to take things so far.

And for God’s sake, why?

One of my theories is that extremes make me feel more alive. They make most people feel alive, obviously. Who hasn’t experienced the tingly thrill of a new infatuation? Or the absolute high of accomplishing something you once thought impossible?

There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s when you find yourself constantly running from one extreme to the other in order to feel alive. That’s when things seem to get messy (and destructive).

And as it turns out, I have never been more disconnected and out of touch with my own sense of aliveness than when I have chased extremes.

Perhaps that sounds bizarre. But in reality, when I am chasing an extreme, I am running away from something else. From discomfort, pain, fear, boredom, etc.

What I’ve learned through the martial arts and zazen is how to stop running and to stay with whatever it is I am experiencing.

Which is probably one of the hardest frickin’ things I’ve ever done in my life.

I’m not kidding.

Because I kinda thought when I got into these practices – no matter how much I may hate to admit it – that they too would offer me some sort of escape. I thought, yes! I am going to face all of my fears, my stress, my pain and my suffering head on! And then of course, I will move on!

To what I’m not entirely sure…I don’t think I got that far.

But saying you’re going to face your fear and suffering is one thing. Actually facing your fear and suffering is a whole other ballgame. One that isn’t, uh, always that fun.

So why do I do it?

Because there is no escape. There never was! So if that is the case, and this is the only game in town, I might as well figure out how to play it and play it well. Without causing further suffering for myself and other people.